i am a bad interneter. if you took all the things i've written online over the years and compiled them into one massive blog, it would be a shit show. it's a terrible habit, this starting something then forgetting about it and coming back nearly a full year later.

i woke up on New Year's Day and decided i wanted 2012 to be a living my own truth, no matter what. what are we... 6 weeks in? thus far my sister nearly died, but came back strong and gave birth to my first nephew. my grandmother had a stroke. there's already been two more suicides in my extended social circle. i ended a 10 month long estrangement from my father and his family. i traveled to Manhattan for work and came back primed for transformation, only to return to my beloved desert where i experienced a major personal shift.

(that's the part that makes me laugh internally because i always wanted to do peyote in the desert like Jim Morrison for spiritual purposes. i didn't have to do anything other than get on a plane and be open to whatever was right in front of me.)

now i am creating an immense amount of change for myself in my home and my relationships. it should be terrifying but it's not in the slightest. i'm so ready. bring it. 

big bad wolf

i worry a lot about my kids. i know they are good boys who make smart choices so i don't really worry about that. i worry about the world and the bad things that lurk "out there". i know every parent does, but i suspect i take it too far. i work very hard to keep my fears hidden from the children - the last thing i want is for them to walk through the world with my anxiety on their shoulders - but i don't know if i do a very good job.

i worry when they go to school, when they go to my ex's for the weekend, when they visit grandparents, when i go away for work, when the big one (who is 14 now) babysits the little one on date nights, even when they sleep. i worry that they might get hit by a car, touched by a teacher, kidnapped by a stranger, get lost on the way to the corner store, get hurt while driving the quad, be bullied or picked on, have someone hurt their feelings, run away from home, develop cancer, or die in their sleep. the only time i feel really okay is when they are at home and i can see or hear them. the only time i sleep well is when i can hear the big one snoring and the little one has climbed my bed and i can feel his breath on my cheek.

i think i need to figure this out a little bit. it's all a bit overwhelming.

blood is not thicker than gin

home again. the funeral was as lovely as funerals can be. i was asked not to attend the later ceremony at the burial site. my siblings were. i was informed it was for "close family only".

i am at the point where i am considering cutting all ties with my father. it causes me too much pain to have him in my life.

now there is drinking.

happenings

i'm not gonna lie. it's been a tough week or so. i am exhausted and don't know which way to go from here.

1. finishing April at work was extremely difficult and stressful. May looks like it is going to be much of the same. it's not that we are doing poorly - it's that we are doing very well and it's challenging to continue to build on that success. 20% better than last March, 30% better than last April, now trying for 35% better than last May. i could honestly work 80 hours a week and still not be done. there is no "done". it goes on forever.

2. my step-gram passed on saturday. weddings and funerals should only be about the people who are getting married or who've passed, but they always end up being about all the family drama that has ever existed. my siblings are gold and i am the black sheep and an after thought. blah blah blah. we are going "home" today for the funeral. i didn't know her well, but she was a wonderful person and i am grateful to have known her the bit i did.

3. something happened in the US to do with the war on terror. very nerve-wracking and leaves us all wondering what will come of it.

4. our teachers are going on rotating strike this week. parents don't seem to know what that means. i don't know when they go to school and don't go. everything is up in the air and the kids are upset.

5. the federal election was last night. people in my life have worked hundreds and hundreds of hours to get our candidates elected and not a single one was. no NDP seats in all of our province. WTF. four years of a conservative majority will certainly bring disaster. hopefully the NDP takes these four years to truly get his shit together.

6. i now wake up every morning at 4. it's either because i'm stressed or because i'm old. i haven't decided which one yet. it's especially funny because sometimes my assistant manager comes to work and tells me she was out til 4 (but is peppy and fantastic all day despite it). ah, the stages of life.

You've Seen the Commercials...

Okay, you know the tv ads for Disney? The ones meant to make every North American parent open up their wallets out of guilt because they have not yet provided their children with the surprise of a lifetime... yay, daddy we're going to Disney RIGHT NOW!?

They are getting to me. I asked the little one if he wanted to go. He said no. The older one said "grunt". Hubs said "it's cheaper to go to Canada's Wonderland". I never went to Disney, my mother never went. If I don't take my kids, that makes *three generations of kids in my family who never went to Disneyland*! Will this not make me a bad parent?

In case you are wondering, it would cost us about $5000 to go for 5 days. That's the cost of 5 summer vacations to British Columbia.

Goddamn advertising.

Boys will be Men

I live with many contradictions in my head. One is "I am a great mother/I am a terrible mother", depending on the day and what's going on. I suspect many of us feel that way. I am more defensive about the way I parent than other people perhaps and I think that's for two reasons. You learn to be that way when you are a single parent at 22 but look like you're 16. I also make choices around parenting that not everyone agrees with and I have gotten a lot of flack over the years.

So my pride and tendency toward defensiveness makes it difficult for me to admit that I am afraid for my boys. I am afraid because I feel like I'm letting them down and they are not growing up to be strong, brave, gentle, loving, confident, feminist men. I had a vision of what they would be like at 21 but no actual plan of how to get them there.

The older one is gentle, loving, thoughtful, and brilliant. He is going to SFL camp this summer to learn about organizing and activism. He is not blind to the problems in the world and I have watched him stand up for others when they could not stand up for themselves. He however does not extend the same sense of justice to himself. He is quiet and introverted and does not ask for what he needs. I am so afraid he will be bulldozed by the world. Sometimes my heart skips a beat when I watch him walk out the door.

The little one is a hurricane. He feels his feelings BIG, as he would tell me as a toddler. When he wants your attention, no one and nothing else is permitted near you. When he laughs, he turns the entire room upside down with his contagious joy. When he is angry, there is little you can do to quell the storm. You just have to wait it out and hope for little damage. For the past while, anger is how he expresses himself the majority of the time. I know why this is, but there's nothing I can do about it. We are a divorced/blended family and he has two homes - homes that do not communicate nor co-parent well. I can only affect the environment here - food, sugar, sleep, television, video games, outdoor play - but none of that actually addresses the root of his feelings.

I don't know how to help my little man. I don't know how to teach him about compassion, justice, equal rights, and gender issues. I don't know how to talk so he will listen. I try to lead by example but I don't know if he's watching. I will try to be patient and trust the universe and hope that our bedtime snuggles and occasional meditation is having an impact.

Trust the universe, eat more veggies, use our words. Parenting is hard.

Pinning stuff

i so do not get this site. i am seriously out of the loop. off to investigate.

http://pinterest.com/about/