big bad wolf

i worry a lot about my kids. i know they are good boys who make smart choices so i don't really worry about that. i worry about the world and the bad things that lurk "out there". i know every parent does, but i suspect i take it too far. i work very hard to keep my fears hidden from the children - the last thing i want is for them to walk through the world with my anxiety on their shoulders - but i don't know if i do a very good job.

i worry when they go to school, when they go to my ex's for the weekend, when they visit grandparents, when i go away for work, when the big one (who is 14 now) babysits the little one on date nights, even when they sleep. i worry that they might get hit by a car, touched by a teacher, kidnapped by a stranger, get lost on the way to the corner store, get hurt while driving the quad, be bullied or picked on, have someone hurt their feelings, run away from home, develop cancer, or die in their sleep. the only time i feel really okay is when they are at home and i can see or hear them. the only time i sleep well is when i can hear the big one snoring and the little one has climbed my bed and i can feel his breath on my cheek.

i think i need to figure this out a little bit. it's all a bit overwhelming.

blood is not thicker than gin

home again. the funeral was as lovely as funerals can be. i was asked not to attend the later ceremony at the burial site. my siblings were. i was informed it was for "close family only".

i am at the point where i am considering cutting all ties with my father. it causes me too much pain to have him in my life.

now there is drinking.

happenings

i'm not gonna lie. it's been a tough week or so. i am exhausted and don't know which way to go from here.

1. finishing April at work was extremely difficult and stressful. May looks like it is going to be much of the same. it's not that we are doing poorly - it's that we are doing very well and it's challenging to continue to build on that success. 20% better than last March, 30% better than last April, now trying for 35% better than last May. i could honestly work 80 hours a week and still not be done. there is no "done". it goes on forever.

2. my step-gram passed on saturday. weddings and funerals should only be about the people who are getting married or who've passed, but they always end up being about all the family drama that has ever existed. my siblings are gold and i am the black sheep and an after thought. blah blah blah. we are going "home" today for the funeral. i didn't know her well, but she was a wonderful person and i am grateful to have known her the bit i did.

3. something happened in the US to do with the war on terror. very nerve-wracking and leaves us all wondering what will come of it.

4. our teachers are going on rotating strike this week. parents don't seem to know what that means. i don't know when they go to school and don't go. everything is up in the air and the kids are upset.

5. the federal election was last night. people in my life have worked hundreds and hundreds of hours to get our candidates elected and not a single one was. no NDP seats in all of our province. WTF. four years of a conservative majority will certainly bring disaster. hopefully the NDP takes these four years to truly get his shit together.

6. i now wake up every morning at 4. it's either because i'm stressed or because i'm old. i haven't decided which one yet. it's especially funny because sometimes my assistant manager comes to work and tells me she was out til 4 (but is peppy and fantastic all day despite it). ah, the stages of life.