I live with many contradictions in my head. One is "I am a great mother/I am a terrible mother", depending on the day and what's going on. I suspect many of us feel that way. I am more defensive about the way I parent than other people perhaps and I think that's for two reasons. You learn to be that way when you are a single parent at 22 but look like you're 16. I also make choices around parenting that not everyone agrees with and I have gotten a lot of flack over the years.
So my pride and tendency toward defensiveness makes it difficult for me to admit that I am afraid for my boys. I am afraid because I feel like I'm letting them down and they are not growing up to be strong, brave, gentle, loving, confident, feminist men. I had a vision of what they would be like at 21 but no actual plan of how to get them there.
The older one is gentle, loving, thoughtful, and brilliant. He is going to SFL camp this summer to learn about organizing and activism. He is not blind to the problems in the world and I have watched him stand up for others when they could not stand up for themselves. He however does not extend the same sense of justice to himself. He is quiet and introverted and does not ask for what he needs. I am so afraid he will be bulldozed by the world. Sometimes my heart skips a beat when I watch him walk out the door.
The little one is a hurricane. He feels his feelings BIG, as he would tell me as a toddler. When he wants your attention, no one and nothing else is permitted near you. When he laughs, he turns the entire room upside down with his contagious joy. When he is angry, there is little you can do to quell the storm. You just have to wait it out and hope for little damage. For the past while, anger is how he expresses himself the majority of the time. I know why this is, but there's nothing I can do about it. We are a divorced/blended family and he has two homes - homes that do not communicate nor co-parent well. I can only affect the environment here - food, sugar, sleep, television, video games, outdoor play - but none of that actually addresses the root of his feelings.
I don't know how to help my little man. I don't know how to teach him about compassion, justice, equal rights, and gender issues. I don't know how to talk so he will listen. I try to lead by example but I don't know if he's watching. I will try to be patient and trust the universe and hope that our bedtime snuggles and occasional meditation is having an impact.
Trust the universe, eat more veggies, use our words. Parenting is hard.
So my pride and tendency toward defensiveness makes it difficult for me to admit that I am afraid for my boys. I am afraid because I feel like I'm letting them down and they are not growing up to be strong, brave, gentle, loving, confident, feminist men. I had a vision of what they would be like at 21 but no actual plan of how to get them there.
The older one is gentle, loving, thoughtful, and brilliant. He is going to SFL camp this summer to learn about organizing and activism. He is not blind to the problems in the world and I have watched him stand up for others when they could not stand up for themselves. He however does not extend the same sense of justice to himself. He is quiet and introverted and does not ask for what he needs. I am so afraid he will be bulldozed by the world. Sometimes my heart skips a beat when I watch him walk out the door.
The little one is a hurricane. He feels his feelings BIG, as he would tell me as a toddler. When he wants your attention, no one and nothing else is permitted near you. When he laughs, he turns the entire room upside down with his contagious joy. When he is angry, there is little you can do to quell the storm. You just have to wait it out and hope for little damage. For the past while, anger is how he expresses himself the majority of the time. I know why this is, but there's nothing I can do about it. We are a divorced/blended family and he has two homes - homes that do not communicate nor co-parent well. I can only affect the environment here - food, sugar, sleep, television, video games, outdoor play - but none of that actually addresses the root of his feelings.
I don't know how to help my little man. I don't know how to teach him about compassion, justice, equal rights, and gender issues. I don't know how to talk so he will listen. I try to lead by example but I don't know if he's watching. I will try to be patient and trust the universe and hope that our bedtime snuggles and occasional meditation is having an impact.
Trust the universe, eat more veggies, use our words. Parenting is hard.
1 comment:
I live with many contradictions in my head. One is "I am a great mother/I am a terrible mother", depending on the day and what's going on.
Oh goodness me, I feel like this, too.
Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm only just starting out.
Post a Comment